Friday, January 14, 2011

Searching for Direction

I've spent the last three days mostly by myself. Today I hardly went out of my room, other than to get some food. Ever since my sister and my boyfriend left, I've felt like I'm in some sort of limbo. I've been outside, even for several hours, and I talked to strangers, as happens when you go outside in a city, but I've still mostly been in my own head.

Even though I talk to people online or on the phone, it's not the same as real interaction. I have to go to work tomorrow and that's probably a good thing, even though I don't want to.

I'm not sure if my inertia is recovery from emotional trauma or just what appears to be walking pneumonia. I feel exhausted and have a bit of a cough, accompanied by sore lungs. Biking in the cold yesterday didn't help, I'm sure.

I started packing my things. I'm looking forward to being back in Newfoundland, for sure. If I had known that they weren't going to schedule me at work this week (I only work tomorrow because I took someone's shift), I would've headed back sooner. It sucks, because I'm missing school for no reason, just because I was trying to do the right thing and honour my contract. I should've just told them I had to leave earlier. Clearly, it wouldn't have mattered to them, since I'm not working anyway.

I watched a bunch of documentaries today. That's basically what I spent my day doing, other than Facebook and reading. Not much of a day, and I woke up late too. I intended to get some stuff done, but I'm having a hard time motivating myself. I'm running out of time here though, so I really need to get at it. It's probably just inertia, like I said - and I have gotten some stuff done since they left. I'm not completely useless.

I can't wait to be back at school and my old work at the Writing Centre, and see some of my good friends around town too. I'm still not quite sure what to make of this whole Vancouver adventure and everything that came attached to it. I've had a lot of good experiences and gotten to do things I wouldn't have otherwise. I've seen the West Coast now (well, a small part of it) and learned some more about Canada. I've seen Seattle. I've gotten a glimpse of Amnesty International, as well as a volunteer placement with them in their Central America Working Group. I've seen really old trees and really ugly buildings, oil tankers blotting the sunset and wealthy people so concerned with class that they "don't notice anyone who works here."

I guess it's been worth it. It's hard to tell from this close. Maybe in a year or so, I'll be able to understand my experience here better. And of course, the ending to it, when everything exploded and all plans suddenly changed, doesn't help bring any clarity to it all.

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be right now, but I do know that things could have gone very differently. I could've been on the Dean's List every year and be finished my degree now, if I hadn't been spending my time, money, and energy on other things. Do I regret it? Sometimes. It's hard to know. But I can't change it, so there's no use in regretting something like that. It didn't hurt anyone, except myself, and it's not going to make that big of a difference probably. Hopefully. It's too late now anyway. I'll just have to use what I do have and be grateful for that, I guess.

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