Wednesday, January 12, 2011

One Year Later

It's been almost a year since I've posted in here. So much has happened and I've become a different person in that time. I guess I've grown older and more mature, but I also feel like I've lost some of my spark. Don't get me wrong; I can still get passionate about things that I care about, but I feel like I am becoming gradually more disillusioned, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I'm not just talking about romantic/sexual relationships, but all relationships that exist between human beings.

I've seen amazing relationships but I'm not very good at them myself. I am fine with people until a certain point, and then once people actually really start to get to know me, they see me as cold, dispassionate, uninterested, aloof. And the fact is, I am kind of aloof and dispassionate. Not cold and uninterested, but I don't show it very much. Sometimes I blame it on my European high school years, but I really don't know. It's just a part of who I am. I've always been introverted, secretive, private. I don't like psychoanalyzing myself all the time, trying to figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it. It's exhausting enough to do it for my own knowledge, but when I have to explain it all to someone else all the time, it's even worse. I just want to get on with exploring the world, not be stuck in my head all the time.

I've been going through a difficult time lately. Maybe I just have too much on my plate. It wouldn't be the first time. I always try to do everything. I'm getting better at setting my limits and not doing some of the things that I want to, because I have to realize I just can't do it all sometimes.

I'm an independent person. I have always been inclined in that direction, but since I was the youngest in my family, I learned to rely on being taken care of. Since my older siblings moved away from home, I've been on my own, especially since my mom was having a bit of a crisis at that time and she asked me to be her mother. I was fifteen years old and I had to take care of her. People often look back at a pivotal moment in their life when they became who they are, and for me, I think that was it. I realized that she was much more fragile than I had believed, because she seems very tough and strong most of the time. Then later when I saw her have a panic attack, it hit home even harder. I knew then that I had to break away from the pain and anger that had characterized my family for generations.

I don't want to rely on others because they will hurt you at some point. I like being friends and exchanging ideas and having silly fun, but at the end of the day, I want to go home and have some time to relax on my own. I guess I'm just antisocial. The only exception to this is my sister, and she knows that, I'm sure. But even with her, I don't want to be with her 24/7. And she understands that without taking it personally. Not everyone can do that.

I made a lot of bad decisions in the past year. The year before I tried to be someone I'm not and in 2010 it caught up with me. Maybe I was trying to figure out who I want to be, but I know now that it was a failed experiment. I can only be who I am, even with the qualities that I don't like about myself. I can't change them to any great degree; I need to be more patient with myself and refuse to let others tell me what is wrong with me or what is normal or not. I've never been overly influenced by others, but, like anyone, I do care if people disapprove of me. Especially people that I like and respect.

I don't want a relationship that suffocates me, that destroys my spark. I want to love freely, openly, but not in a manner specified by society or another person. I want to give freely of myself to those I care for, but not in a way that they decide for me. I don't want to be tied to someone by my feelings for them or the fact that loving one person restricts my ability to freely love another. Love is real, but it's not Hollywood love. It's not a happily ever after with the One. It's a series of ups and downs, giving and taking, holding on when it's appropriate and letting go when it becomes necessary.

But right now I'm not allowed to let go. My love has been twisted to make me reduce the hurt to someone else by continuing on a path that has been getting darker and darker. Maybe there's a light at the end. Maybe if I change my outlook on this situation, then the dark will turn into black light, and all the details will show up in a blinding neon that hides the scars.

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